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24

Apr

Love and Lust - Waiting for More

"Uh huh. Ok. If you say so. What the hell do you want from me?!" David couldn’t believe that he was in this space again. He thought he left it all behind. He thought the drama was over after escaping that summer night with Amber and Drew. "I told you I didn’t want a girlfriend. Quit asking me all these damn questions! You say you want this; you say you want that. You don’t know what you want. Wait, why am I even here? I’m sick of this." Sarah screamed "David!…David! What are you leaving for? I’m sorry. Just tell me…"

Our Deepest Fear

If there’s anything that we learned from Amber’s struggles to leave her abusive relationship, it’s that what we think we see is not always what’s really in front of us. Tell yourself a lie over and over and over again and see if you don’t start to believe that it’s the truth. Sometimes, that’s not such a bad thing. But when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be heart-breaking. Again, we’ve got False.Evidence.Appearing.Real vs. real fear. But we’ve been there and done that. And while Amber’s story has been told and finished, David’s story must go on. And there’s so much more to tell.

One of the saddest things is wanting something that you might never get. It’s taking a chance on something that you have very little hope of attaining. It’s falling and having no one there to catch you when you come crashing down. Everything says to leave it alone, but you can’t help it. Your friends talk badly about your decisions, but you never reconsider. You can’t. It has a hold on you. It won’t let go.

Not yet. Just a little longer. Hold out hope.

"I can make this thing work. Just gotta wait a little bit longer". You convince yourself of a reality that exists only in your head. It’s not a dream, but it seems like one. It’s a living, breathing nightmare, but you tell yourself it can’t possibly be one.

Just a little longer. Hold out hope. Wait for more. 

There’s a little bit of David in all of us. A young soul lost in the world, trying to find their way. Not quite sure of who you want to be. Hell, not quite sure of who you are now. But the thrill of the journey keeps us taking chances. The love of the challenge keeps us making bad decisions. The excitement keeps us guessing at our next move. The uncertainty of it all keeps us going for the pretty, dangerous girl. “YOLO” makes us pass up the nice guy that Mom will love for the a$$hole that Dad will hate. 

There’s a little bit of Sarah in even more of us. There’s someone who has been hurt before. There’s someone who desperately wants to believe that the next one is the best one. Taking bad risks but holding onto a dream for a smile in the morning. Believing in someone so we can have another person to share a laugh with at night. We convince ourselves of the existence of happy endings. We tell ourselves that the only person who can really hurt us is ourselves. We think we can let go when we want. We know we have control. Well, we think we have control. Okay, so maybe we hope we have control. We’re afraid that maybe, in our heart of hearts, we know that we’re just lying to the person we look at in the mirror every night before we climb into bed. The smile that we put on for everyone to see just might not be real. And it’s that possibility that scares us more than anything. It’s our deepest fear.  

The Mindgame

I’m starting to think that Mark Zuckerberg had this in mind when he stole came up with his master creation. Just don’t tell Sarah that. A new profile picture. A new add to an album. A ton of mutual friends. Before you know it, you know someone you’ve never seen before. And you want them regardless. Time waits for no man. So take a chance. David was worth the risk. Good-looking. Athletic. Seemed like a nice guy. Had his head on straight. Deep-thinker. But she didn’t know his history. She didn’t know about him cheating on his girlfriend. She didn’t know about his “white girl experiment” with Katie. She hadn’t even heard about Amber and the supposed “ex-boyfriend” she lied to David about. So what did she have to lose? 

"Hey, I’m David. Nice to FINALLY meet you in person (awkward chuckle)," David said to Sarah as he walked in the room. "Soooo at least you look like you do in your pictures. In real life I mean." Sarah responded, "Well, what did you expect?! Did you think I’d be ugly or something? I mean I know I’m white but I have a few things working for me." As they continued with the awkward first encounter small-talk, Sarah found herself more and more intrigued by David. He was funny. A little too much sarcasm for her liking, but funny nonetheless. She could tell he was smart, but not too smart. Kinda quiet, but he talked just enough. "Damn", she thought, "this boy is good looking." Sarah wasn’t exactly his type, but she was worth the effort. She was skinny, and a little flat where it matters most, but those were minor things. Why not give her a chance. What did he have to lose?

"I’m just trying to have some fun. I don’t want a girlfriend right now. It just wouldn’t be fair to her." 

She should’ve listened to him when he told her the first time. But she figured she could change his mind. As days turned into weeks, and weeks into a couple of months, they spent more and more time together. A trip to see him after he was finished with class. A late night trip to her dorm room. A date…well, there were no dates actually. And in that lied the truth that Sarah didn’t want to acknowledge. “He’s just a really private guy,” she told herself over and over again. But she’d ask him if he liked her. And he wouldn’t really answer the question, but his answers made sense. Why would he spend so much time with her if he didn’t like her? She thought it could be one of those real things one day if she just waited long enough. She figured she could change his mind. But she should’ve listened to him when he told her the first time. He just wanted a good time. And she always made sure he had a good time. Red lingerie. High heels. Soft, sensual music. Private dances. If it made him smile, she wanted to do it. She wanted to change his mind. She had to change his mind. She thought his attention was a sign of him starting to come around. She just had to hold out a little longer. She just had to sex him a little better. She just had to convince him a little harder.

"A little more, David. A little more. I like where we are now, but I just want a little more. I’m waiting for just a bit more."

Waiting for More…

You’ll wait forever if you think something you want is within reach. A little more patience. A little more of this and a little more of that and it’ll be right there for the taking. But the thing is, the heart doesn’t operate that simply. You can’t wait for someone’s heart to come around. Sarah figured that if she just gave David a little more time to get his head together, his heart would be hers. He’d want her as his girlfriend. She wouldn’t just be one of many; she’d be the only one. She could feel special. But again, the heart doesn’t work that way. Sarah spent so much time trying to keep tabs on David and please him whenever he gave her the time of day that she only drained happiness from her own heart. With the heart there’s always a give and take. All she did was give. All David did was take. She sold herself short. She lied to herself. She convinced herself that she needed him to feel special. She was forgetting to love herself. She wanted David to do it for her. She thought she needed David to do it for her.

But all David knew was the lust controlling his life. He’d fallen victim to a life he didn’t ask for. We can all relate to that. The person that we despise the most often becomes who we turn into. And then we wonder how we got to that point. The man in the mirror tells no lies. He knew he was just using Sarah. But it was too convenient. It was too satisfying. And he knew she wouldn’t leave. He had it and he knew that she wanted to make him hers. But he knew the timing was wrong. Giving his heart and taking the chance was too risky. It was easy for David to use Sarah. She was just like any other girl. But was this who he really was? “I’m not really this guy,” he told himself; “I’m just getting this outta my system.” She was waiting for more; and “let her wait” was his motto. 

David should’ve just gone home. He knew seeing her was a bad idea. But he’d been avoiding and cancelling on her way too much for her liking. Might as well give her a reason to smile, right? I mean, he was David. Nobody else could do it like him. He had the keys to the car and he was the only one who could drive it; at least that’s what he told himself. Remember about what happens when you tell yourself a lie over and over again? 

David showed up to her room, bag in hand from a weekend trip. Had been a terrible weekend. A recipe for disaster for Sarah. But she had had enough. Time to call him out on his bull. Time to stand up for herself. Time to let him know that his stuff did indeed stink, just like everybody else. Sick of feeling like she was being used. Sick of watching him get up and leave her room at 3am because he just “doesn’t do sleepovers”. Tired of him showing up to her room later and later, never agreeing to see her during the day, outside of one of their rooms. She wasn’t going to be his little secret for any longer. “So, where do you see this going? Am I just some girl that you f*ck one night and then ignore the next? I know you’re talking to other girls David.” David wasn’t trying to hear any of that tonight. “Sarah, what are you talking about? You know I care about you. Why else would I spend all this time with you? Seeing you after class? Coming over here all these nights. Did you just magically forget all that?!” She could tell that his blood pressure was rising. ‘Fall back’, she thought to herself. He’s gonna explode at any moment. “David, you know what I mean. You know I like you, but you keep giving me this bull about not being into titles and stuff like that.” “Stuff like what?!”, David quickly replied. He did not sign up for an interrogation. He came over to relax. Maybe a little massage. Some music. Something to help make him feel better after a bad weekend. And here she was. Giving him crap about nothing, again.

David: “Alright Sarah, I’m sick of this shit! Always complaining about something. If I’m 5 minutes late it’s a big deal. If I say something a certain way, it’s a big deal. I told you from day one that I didn’t want a girlfriend! Were you stuck on stupid when I told you?”

Sarah responded: “Really, David? Really?! After all this time you’re just gonna talk to me like I’m nothing to you? I mean, I know you don’t want a girlfriend…”

David interrupted, his voice loudly exclaiming “NO, you really don’t! You can say that shit, but keep it 100. You try to treat me like I’m a boyfriend but I’m not one. We’re kickin it. We’re having fun. But you know I’m not tryna be serious like that. And if can’t get with that then we can just stop now”

Sarah: “David, I didn’t say that”

David: “Yea, you did. You keep asking me all these dumb ass questions. You know what? Let me make this easy for you. We don’t need to talk anymore cuz you clearly can’t handle this. You want more than what I’m offering. And you can keep waiting for more, but I’m not gonna sit up and say that if you keep waiting that I’m gonna come around and get serious with you.”

Sarah: “David, I’m not saying that I want you to go, but what else am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just be okay with you coming and going whenever you want? You don’t see how disrespectful that is to me? You try to say you’re a nice guy, but you’re really not. You’re kind of an asshole, ya know.”

David:”Uh huh. Ok. If you say so. What the hell do you want from me?! I told you I didn’t want a girlfriend. Quit asking me all these damn questions! You say you want this; you say you want that. You don’t know what you want. Wait, why am I even here? I’m sick of this.”

David couldn’t believe that he was in this space again. He thought he left it all behind. He thought the drama was over after escaping that summer night with Amber and Drew.

Sarah screamed “David!…David! What are you leaving for? Look, I’m sorry. Just tell me…”

And even when she was tired of waiting on him, she couldn’t stand the thought of being alone, so she asked him to stay. And when he wouldn’t, she was left crying, alone, waiting on him to come back. Waiting for more. 

-ClearEyes

  1. mike316 posted this